Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”