Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
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If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
the icebreaker
This guy’s not having it 😆
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.