Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
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If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.