Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
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a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.