Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife