Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.