The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
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I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
True.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now