WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
You Might Also Like
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Saving my good tweets for marriage
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Nothing to do, you say?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I am crying
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.