*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
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Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.