Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
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My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.