Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
You Might Also Like
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit