We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.