We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
dads on road-trips be like
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
this is uni
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.