The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be