WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
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[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
nobody’s gonna understand
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.