“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
don’t we all
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.