This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
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“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.