a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
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Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.