We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
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Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.