We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Do not steal food from the science building!
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.