We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
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Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Are you ok, human???
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?