We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
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My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
this is 10/10 content no notes
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft