We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Husband of the year 😂
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.