We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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Flock of bats
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My love language is deader than Latin
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart