We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Crying is a sign of leakness.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.