We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
You Might Also Like
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
buying dead houseplants to save time
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.