@NikiWithIssues: We complain when it's hot. We complain when it's cold. We are such c**ts. That's why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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@Aspersioncast: If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys, I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.
@Carbosly: It's a plant shaped like an egg. EGGPLANT! It's a place where we make fire. FIREPLACE! Diving in the sky. SKYDIVING! Humans are creative.
@bobvulfov: WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty WAITER: what why ME: a duck killed my father
@man_spach: Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL'd at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools' jokes.