My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
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someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
oh shit
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Smile they said.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
oh u like geography? name every lake
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet