me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
You Might Also Like
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.