We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
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For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.