When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
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Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”