We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I’d love this…lol
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water