We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Where is your GOD now????
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!