We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
You Might Also Like
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you