We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
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Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!