We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
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Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Expect the unexporcupine.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?