We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
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Weirdly Wednesday.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon