We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me