We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
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this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.