I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
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*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”