We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
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Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
channeling her this year
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
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Me: Same