We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?