I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
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I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
This makes total sense…
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.