We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
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Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.