We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
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My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
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