we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
You Might Also Like
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
No chill.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot