@TheTweetOfGod: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." - A man who owned other men.
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@FavoritesYou: Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn't have a pen so I used my key.
@CornOnTheGoblin: Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
@jordan_stratton: [Walks up to stranger] Me: "Excuse me, would you take my picture?" Him: "Sure." Me: "Great!" [I hand him a beautiful 5x7 portrait of me]
@BuckyIsotope: “I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves