“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”