me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Introverted vegans go meetless
It鈥檚 fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you鈥檙e suddenly married.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart鈥檚 Grades Are… Disturbing
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 馃檪 so far I鈥檝e had zero birthday breakfasts 馃檪 and two Blu-ray players robbed 馃檪
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you like pi帽a coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it鈥檚 objections to the marriage, specifically