FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
(2022)
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
This is enough internet for the day.