“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
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Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”