Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.