The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
that colleague who touches your screen
My biological clock is wheezing.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”