we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
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unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.